Explaining Your Surrogacy Journey to your Children

One of the most difficult tasks for surrogate mothers is explaining what their surrogacy journey will be like to their children.  In fact, a lot of surrogates are more worried about telling their own children than their employers. The question they are often asked is, “why did you choose to become a surrogate mother?”

The good news is that telling your little ones about your decision to become a surrogate is not as scary as it may seem. Below, we have created a guide to show you the best way to inform your children about your surrogacy journey. This guide will help you to present the matter in such a way that your child understands. And It will also help them to accept your decision with open arms.

You need to note that sharing your decision with an older child (around 14 yrs old) is not the same as sharing it with a 4-year old. You must present it in a cool and exciting manner, with full details while keeping your children’s age in mind. This is going to help make the conversation with your children a successful one.

Explaining Surrogacy Journey with Young Children

One great thing about sharing your decision with young children is that there is no need to explain the biological aspect of the process to them. You only have to let them know that the baby is not yours but the intended parents’. At times, they might want to know how another person’s child ended up in their mother’s tummy. When asked these types of questions, keep your answer very simple-  “the doctor put it in there.”

However, telling your children about your decision also has its difficulties.  Children get excited over the possibility of having a younger brother or sister. Explaining that a belly bump does not mean they will have a younger brother or sister is probably going to be your biggest challenge. Showing your children or child a picture of the intended parents can help them understand how the process works.

Grade School Age

Elementary school children are naturally inquisitive. So, you need to get ready for many questions. The most difficult part of explaining surrogacy journey or news with children in this age range is that they appear to be more mature than they actually are.

They usually have a lot of questions.  Although they are not mature enough to understand the complexities of the surrogacy process. But they will probably be curious as to how the baby got into your belly.  They are also not too young to comprehend that the child will not be coming home post-delivery. This may result in a series of emotional outbursts. It is because they might feel as though they didn’t have a say in this decision.

The emotional response you can expect from these children ranges from pride and happiness to fear and anger. The best way to receive a positive response is by introducing surrogacy and the process involved on different levels. A helpful tip: discuss this where the children won’t be able to run away, e.g., in the car.

When explaining surrogacy to your children, it is important that you stay calm. You need to be ready to answer any questions they might have. You need to keep your explanation simple but informative and present your points in an easy to understand way. A lot of patience and time will be required to explain why you decided to become a surrogate to them.

Explaining Surrogacy Journey To Tweens and Teens

Things are usually more difficult with teenagers and tweens. And unfortunately, announcing your surrogacy decision isn’t going to be an exception. Children at this stage know how your decisions and choices can affect their lives. So, you need to bear this in mind to steer this conversation the right way.

At this age, children may understand and know the idea behind surrogacy. This means that they agree that the baby is not going to be related to them in any way. They would realize that they will not lose a sibling due to your decision.

Unlike toddlers, children in this category can consider things very carefully. This can result in the formation of their own ethical thoughts regarding surrogacy. This can occur, especially if you are assisting same-sex couples. Your child’s belief may not be the same as yours. When this happens, it may result in a very uncomfortable conversation, but it doesn’t not have to be. The right thing to do is to answer their questions and address their concerns with a laid-back approach while giving their thought process the respect it deserves.

How to handle a ‘don’t care’ attitude

Children might also show an “I don’t care” attitude while explaining your surrogacy journey in some cases. This can be very disturbing for you as you are excited about your surrogacy choice and decision. There is also a chance that your children do care about your decision, even if it is not written on their faces. They are old enough to realize this as a temporary thing and may not respond at all. If this is the case, try to give them some time and space to digest your surrogacy decision on their own. But also leave some room for any questions they might have.

Although surrogacy can be a difficult thing to do, it is very rewarding. It is always good to let your family, especially your children, know what is going on. We hope the information contained in this guide helps make the conversation easier.

Coastal Fertility has partnered with Physician’s Surrogacy, the nation’s only OB-managed surrogacy agency. If you are interested to become a surrogate, apply with Physician’s Surrogacy here.