Gay Surrogacy – Becoming A Parent as an LGBT Individual Or Couple
An overview of gay surrogacy
A gay surrogacy refers to a surrogacy arrangement where both the Intended Parents are same-sex married or unmarried couples. Similarly, surrogacy for single parents means an arrangement where single individuals (male or female) pursue surrogacy to achieve parenthood.
Thanks to the progressive laws of many states in the U.S., surrogacy for gay parents and individuals is much simpler and convenient compared to other countries.
In general, there are two types of surrogacy gay couples can opt for: gestational surrogacy and traditional surrogacy.
In traditional surrogacy (which is rarely practiced nowadays), the Surrogate is artificially inseminated with a donor’s or the intended father’s sperm to achieve a pregnancy. Hence, she has a biological connection with the child.
Gestational surrogacy is the other type of surrogacy and the only family-building option for LGBT couples/individuals looking to have biological children. It requires legal and medical expertise and a good support system throughout the journey.
Embryos are formed in a fertility clinic’s lab through IVF, using the gay parent’s sperm and a donor’s eggs. At the clinic, one or more embryos are transferred into the womb of the Gestational Surrogate, who carries the baby to term. In this case, the Surrogate Mother does not share any genetic tie with the baby she is carrying.
Surrogacy is a huge financial and emotional investment towards building the family you have always desired. Hence it’s always a better option to move forward with a reputed surrogacy agency.
Pros and cons of surrogacy for gay couples
Although surrogacy is an excellent option for LGBT people who want to add a new member to their families, it’s not for everybody. Hopeful parents need to consider the pros and cons of surrogacy to know whether it is good for them.
Below are some of the merits and demerits of surrogacy for same-sex couples
PROS
- It can help Intended Parents realize their dreams of growing their families
- Surrogacy enables gay couples to have children with a genetic tie to either or both parents.
- Hopeful parents have the chance to build long-lasting relationships with their Surrogate Mothers.
- A lot of Surrogates are willing to help gay couples become parents
CONS
- Surrogacy is a complex legal process that, in some, cases may even be harder for gay Intended Parents, depending on their home state laws.
- Surrogacy can be expensive, and parents in same-sex relationships have fewer options to finance their surrogacy compared to adoptive parents.
- LGBT individuals and couples may be discriminated against by surrogacy experts, would-be Surrogates, or donors during the process (something that can be avoided by choosing a surrogacy friendly state/country).
A lot of these pros and cons apply to gay individuals and couples as well as other members of the LGBT community. No matter the parents’ sexual orientation, it is essential that every intended family considers these benefits and challenges and their unique situations when planning to embark on a surrogacy journey.
What to look for in a surrogacy agency
A lot of planning and coordination goes into a surrogacy process. A good surrogacy agency works with hopeful parents, guiding them through every step of the journey. Your agency should be the expert in surrogacy, so you don’t need to be.
Here are three things gay Intended Parents need to look for in a surrogacy agency:
1. Experience working with LGBTQ people
Each state and country has unique laws and regulations for Gay Intended Parents considering surrogacy. Working with a surrogacy agency with a great level of expertise in surrogacy laws can help ensure hopeful parents have a rewarding and successful journey.
2. Ability to protect your parental rights
Your surrogacy agency should have an expert legal team that handles all the legal aspects of the surrogacy process, giving you peace of mind that your parental rights will be affirmed and safeguarded.
3. Support and partnership throughout the whole surrogacy journey
Surrogacy agencies should offer Intended Parents optimum support all through their journey. An ideal surrogacy agency should have experienced lawyers, social workers, accountants, and program managers on their team so that parents can have their journeys coordinated by a single team without any need for 3rd parties.
Becoming a gay parent through surrogacy
Becoming a parent through surrogacy is one the most wonderful things a person can experience. Aside from having the baby you have always desired, you also build a strong connection with your Surrogate Mother – and her family. Surrogacy is an exciting, safe option to create a family of your dreams.
1. Choose who will be biologically related to the baby
Unlike in heterosexual surrogacy where the genetic materials of both parents are usually used to produce an embryo, Same-sex Intended Parents need to choose whose egg or sperm are going to be used.
A lot of Intended Parents choose to fertilize many eggs for implantation using the sperm of both partners, giving one or both of them the chance to be the baby’s biological father.
2. Select a known or an unknown donor
Although it may be easier to work with an unknown egg or sperm donor, a lot of gay couples and individuals prefer to work with a known donor during their surrogacy journey.
Hopeful parents may decide to use the sperm of one partner and eggs donated by a close relative of the second partner so that both fathers can share a genetic connection with the baby.
3. LGBTQ surrogacy laws
Surrogacy laws are complicated and vary from one state to the other. But don’t allow that to deter you from pursuing surrogacy as a means of building your family.
However, it’s important to talk to an attorney who is an expert in homosexual surrogacy and gay parenting issues.
4. How is surrogacy different for Gay Intended Parents?
While surrogacy for same-sex parents and straight parents is very much similar, there are some things that differentiate gay surrogacy from heterosexual surrogacy.
It is crucial to know your parental rights and the surrogacy laws in your country or state and in the state where your Surrogate lives.
Common legal procedures for gay parenting
1. Pre-Birth order (PBO)
This is a court order that establishes parental rights before the baby is born. Pre-birth order is only available in some US states. However, you can get a post-birth order in other states.
2. Voluntary acknowledgement of paternity
Enables the mother of a newborn to assign the baby’s father without having to go to court.
3. Custody order
Gives the legal custody of the baby to the Intended Parents
4. Second-parent adoption
This gives the couples or individuals permanent parental rights over the surrogate child.
It’s recommended that Intended Parents still get a second parent adoption even in cases where it’s possible to obtain a pre-birth or post-birth parentage order as some states don’t recognize parentage established this way.
5. Wills and estate planning
Helps ensure that the baby’s guardianship is ascertained in case one or both parents die. When a same-sex marriage is illegitimate, it becomes essential to establish these documents.
6. Legally match with your “ideal” Surrogate
The matching team at your chosen surrogacy agency will do their best to pair you and a Surrogate depending on three requirements, one of which is being fit for surrogacy legally.
It’s essential to make sure your Surrogate mother resides in a state where you can easily establish your parental rights over the child.
SPAR program and HIV parents
Being HIV+ does not stop you from having a baby safely via surrogacy. An HIV-positive man can still add a new member to their family through the SPAR program.
The Special Program of Assisted Reproduction (SPAR) has enabled thousands of people living with HIV to create their families via surrogacy.
It is offered by the Bedford Research Foundation Clinical Laboratory, which has assisted HIV parents in giving birth to more than 300 children safely without any risk of transmitting the dreaded virus to the babies.
The surrogacy process
The surrogacy process can seem intimidating and complex for gay couples or individuals looking to become parents, given:
- the need for a gestational carrier
- Egg Donor
- the surrogacy laws for LGBTQ individuals and
- the stress of finding an agency and a fertility clinic.
The journey to parenthood through surrogacy involves several milestones, and working with an agency can make it easier for you to navigate every step of the process and allow you to focus on the most important thing: getting ready for your baby’s arrival.
3 steps to finding a surrogacy agency:
- Make your findings! Research all you need to know about surrogacy.
- Jot down what matters most to you during your surrogacy journey. What kind of Surrogate-Intended Parent relationship do you want?
- Create a list of surrogacy agencies that meet your requirements and get in touch with them. It is important to find an “ideal” agency.
Finding an Egg Donor
Finding an Egg Donor is one of the most crucial steps in your family-building journey. Find out how LGBTQ people select their donor, what to search for in a donor, and how both of you can select the Egg Donor that’s best for you.
How do I select the perfect Egg Donor?
Finding the right Egg Donor for your surrogacy journey can be challenging. After all, you are choosing the young woman who’ll be donating 50% of your child’s biological material!
If you are a same-sex couple and both of you are donating sperm for the production of your embryos, it is difficult to imagine what the baby will be like. Hence, as you begin your search for a donor, it is good to have an idea of what qualities you are looking for in a match:
- What’s important to you in an Egg Donor match?
- Is it personality or Education?
- Appearance or ethnicity?
- And bear in mind that nature is different from nurture – not all traits or features can be passed on to the baby.
Our advice to Gay Intended Parents looking for a donor: Be open-minded!
Maybe you don’t know what you’re looking for in a donor or how to begin your search, and that’s fine! Many hopeful parents believe they would know the ideal match when they see one and make a list of requirements to consider when going through donors’ profiles.
A lot of gay fathers have revealed that the woman they later matched with is very different from the perfect woman they originally wanted to have as an Egg Donor.
Chances are that you’ve done your research and have a list of criteria you want in an Egg Donor only to discover that no donors tick all the boxes. Re-evaluate your list and prioritize five requirements that are most important to you and search again.
Let’s say a gay couple prioritized education and physical appearance when searching for a donor. As they begin to go through the donor database, they couldn’t find exactly what they wanted. They eliminated some of the requirements from their list and later found their ideal woman, whose motives for becoming a donor got them hooked instantly.
The more flexible you can be, the easier it will be to find your ideal match!
Finding a Surrogate Mom
Finding the woman who’ll help carry your baby is another major milestone in your journey to becoming parents through surrogacy. Trust your surrogacy agency to assist you in finding the ideal Surrogate match.
The first steps to finding a Surrogate Mom
A lot of Surrogates are excited at the opportunity to help LGBTQ people build their families through surrogacy. They know the joys that come with becoming a parent and want others to experience the same.
Both Intended Parents and Gestational Surrogates will complete a questionnaire about the kind of person they want to be paired with, what they expect from their surrogacy journey, as well as the level of communication they are okay with.
It is crucial to be honest when filling out this questionnaire as the answers provided and your location are often used to match you with a surrogacy partner.
Surrogate matching preferences for Gay Intended Parents
There are some criteria on which you are going to be matched with your Gestational Surrogate.
Hopeful parents are paired with the Surrogate based on preferences like:
- Location of the Surrogate
- Number of embryos to be transferred
- Level of communication they want during the surrogacy journey
- Views on pregnancy termination and selective reduction
If you are undergoing a surrogacy journey on your own as a single parent, you can also use the above as guidelines regarding what to look for in a match.
Three criteria for matching LGBTQ parents and Surrogates
1. Appropriate legal fit
Each US state has its own set of surrogacy laws. Therefore, it is important that the agency’s legal team makes sure the surrogacy laws in the Surrogate mother’s state align with the laws at the hopeful parents’ state or country.
The legal team will first need to approve a match from a legal point of view before a Surrogate profile is sent to Intended Parents.
2. Surrogacy expectations and personality fits
After the legal team has curated a list of safe matches, the matching team will go through the list to ensure great personality fits so that both parties can have a comfortable relationship all through the surrogacy journey.
The hopeful parents and Surrogates will then have phone calls or in-person meetings with the matching team early in the surrogacy process to know each party’s personality regarding surrogacy.
Agencies also consider both parties’ expectations and hopes for the surrogacy journey, including the level of communication and number of embryos to implant in the womb.
3. Expectations regarding pregnancy termination and selective reduction
Intended Parents and Surrogates are often asked to state their views on pregnancy termination to make sure they both have similar views.
It is important to make sure both parties share the same views in case a situation occurs where a selective reduction or termination is required.
Bottom line
We are thankful to modern reproductive science for making surrogacy possible for countless hopeful parents. With this life-altering process, gay and single parents can now have their biological child.
Coastal Fertility Medical Center has partnered with Physician’s Surrogacy and helped many LGBT couples and individuals realize their dream of having a family. Schedule a consultation today to see how we can help your family become complete.
